


The colonels cologne

by orphan_account



Category: KFC "Colonel Sanders" Commercials, The Wacky Adventures of Ronald McDonald (Cartoon), Wendy's Employee Training Videos
Genre: Crack, F/M, Fast Food, Fingerlicking good, Fluff, Kidnapping, Murder, Politics, Resturants, Self-Insert, Stalking, chicken, clown, colonel sanders!bashing, fbi open up, gingers, kpop, lettuce - Freeform, subway eat fresh
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-10-29
Updated: 2020-01-03
Packaged: 2021-01-08 06:01:00
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,371
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21230963
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: colonel saders is a very screyy man, he will do anything!! anytihng!! to take out the resturant competitonnnn





	1. abduction

**Author's Note:**

  * For [loserwitharedballoon](https://archiveofourown.org/users/loserwitharedballoon/gifts).

I walk home, holdng a picece of kfc chicken in my right hand and a bowl of mashed potatoes in my left hand, the gravy drips down my arms. My heart punding, i never realised that food could change someone like this. Everytime i bit into that cronchy chicken i could feel him beside me, remember his voice, his esscne and will. It was then and there i started to feel chilly, the potatoes couldnt keep my heart or elbows warm anymore, i felt like he was there will me, even after all this time. Was it nostalgia, remebering days long past, or did the eyes i felt on my back-  
did they were really there?

‘Hi, you.’ a voice from behind me. A giant chicken drumstick smashed on the side of my head, and i saw black. 

I wake up, immediately tense.  
‘you.’ i say.  
‘wtfdude, were this cutie come from.’ says ronald macdonald, hes chained to the opposite wall.  
‘what are you doing here clown.’  
‘you think tis is a joke- this man is crazy, hes crazy for the gravy!’  
‘where is he keeping us?’  
‘idk some sex dngeon or some sh’  
‘cool’ i reply, been there. 

Then i feel a warm wind behind me, and the smell of jucicy chickoen fills the room.  
Him.

‘hello there........ wendy.’


	2. the colonel returnels

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ahaha idk what to say guys ig it was just a burst of inspiration? I thank my muse above all else ahah tho she is fickel hahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahah

Hehehehh says cornel with a seyx grin

  


his eyes like diamonds in da sky’s

'oh god,' you say, 'oh god oh fuck.'

  


“Ronald...” he replies, “I hope you’ve welcomed our lovely guest.'

  


ronald nods cheerfully

you narrow ur eyes

  


'wtf dude'you say

  


anooyedly

'kidnappingis realy shitty'

“Almost as shitty as his chicken.” Says Ronald eyeing up the cornel

colonel sanders smiles, and turns to ronald. 'say that again and ill release hashbowns at half the price you do, bitch.'

  


Ronald let’s out a soft “help me lord.”

Just then

Wendy appears

To have brokn free

  


But Ronald tackles her

'no

I might admit this kidnapping thing is wack

But you are still competition ;-;'

'ronald you dumbass we need to band together to defeat a greater evil and put aside our differences in the meantime.'

  


you grab ronalds wig and snatch it

'hey wtf give that back' says the now bald clown

you throw it over where the colonel is and ronald prompty pounces on him to get it back.

while colonel sanders is pinned under him you flee out of the door

locking it behind you

the colonel grunts and says softly

Sister stop '

  


You run straight into someone’s arms though

It’s the FBI

  


they knew that Ronald was involved and they cared deeply about that sexy clown

With his blindingly red nose

And his wild laugh

  


And his deep and soulful eyes

  


the fbi speaks

  


'you were the one who locked up ronald?' they say

'no no' you protest

'you literally jst locked the door behind you just then'

'shit'

you take off ina run, powered by a 3 litre cup of coke

'fuckfckfckfuckfuck'

  


this isnt ur first run in w the authorites, all fast food chains deal with them at some point, bt usually for like fraud n shit not this kind athing

then

you are tackled to the ground

  


you dont know who did it

  


But it’s Mr Subway

No wonder no one likes him you think too yourself as you are thrusted to the ground for the 9th time today

“Listen kid.” He says lettuce dangling out of his pockets

“You have to defeat Coronel...”

  


“He’s fucking shut up man”

  


  


Mr subway tuts

'do you really think that walls can hold in one sch as him?'

he casts his gaze sideways, sadly.

  


'you truly are a fool. but you are all we have.'

there is a sudden rumbling

  


the gravel in front of you breaks up, shuddering and jittering

and He rises from it

  


riding a chicken wing

  


it flaps toward you

  


“Sssssaad-d-der-ss.” Wondy cries

  


Mr subway throws his leetuce at him

  


But his aim is beyond shit

wUickly'

  


WE MUST HEALTHY HIM'

MR SUBWAY FAINTS

WENDE GOES INTO LABOUR

WENDY STARTS A CAMPAIGN

  


TO ABOLISH MCDONALDS

  


CORONEL IS CHASING HER STILL AT THIS POINT

  


wendy becomes the prime minister of new zealand

  


BUT DUE TO HIS SICK DRIVE THROUGH TIME HE MIGHT NEVER CATCH UP TOO HER

But still

  


They meat

Face to face

One eventful day

  


'wtf r u doing in parliament bitch boy.'

  


“I’m here too see you daddy.”

Says wends children

Wendy looks away in tears

  


You could have had it all

  


Rolling in the deep I am says Wendy

Cororonel looks up

Grease lightning dressing him like salad

'wendy.' he starts, painfully.

'wendy, i never meant to, hurt you.'

  


'wendy...

  


'wendy i love you.'

you blink

wait

when mr subway, lord bless his memory

said that he needed to make the colonel healthy

she gasps

'it wasnt about ur delicious fried chikcikn!

  


'he meant... emotionally.'

  


'wub?' replies the colonel

  


'ur emotionally really fricked up mr sandes.'

'thats colonel'

wendy rains down a storm of lettuce

some of it gets caught in colonel sanders mouth

  


he spits it out but

  


he accidentally swallows a piece

  


he gazes in shock

'fuck living off of used frying grease actual fucked me up tho.

sorry wondei'

“Bruh”

  


  


  


'the kidnapping thing a few years ago was real bad taste i admit.'

wendy scowls

  


'im deporting you.

you have to go back to kentucky.'

the colonel gets inside the deportation vehcihele.

  


but what he doesnt expect to see inside is an old friend

ronald macdonald sneers at him, then smiles wildly, half his teeth rotted. his nose has decomposed and it hangs off of his face like an old grape. his eyes flash and glint with maddness. 'hasta la vista, old friend.' he says, before shooting colonel sanders 43 times in the head. Wendy hears the shots from inside the vehcle, but she simply plugs in her earbuds and listens to kpop, each shot pnctuationg the sound of one of the guys doing a pelvic thrust

  


“Mum, what happened to father?” Says wendis children

“He got what he deserved.” She says

  


They then go to KFC to eat a cheeseburger combo

  


But the families poor so they have to share

But Ronal wants revonge

  


he nyooms into kfc

'hey bb'

  


'whats crackalackin'

  


wendy immediately goes into a fighting stance, her 23 childen behind her

'frick off ronald, i thoght i told to stay away after what happened in russia.'

'Wendy

You know what I’m hear for

Now hand over the**_<strike> Beeseburgher'</strike>_**

  


'never.' she hisses

“Bro.”

He whinnies like a horse

'prepar for trouble

  


And make it double'

Burger King appears

'He’s gone Wendy

Now give us his burgher'

'i will not stand down.'

  


she proceeds to stand up

'you arent true royalty'

  


'you may rule our stomachs, but never our hearts.'

  


the burger kind laugh

  


'oh wendy, so naive.'

  


'i have a grip on everyones hearts, through the cholerstorol i pump into their very veins.

do you know who has hundreds of shares in companies and industries involved in heart bypass surgery?'

he chuckles grimly

  


'you pay for the problem and the solution.'

  


ronald suddenly bursts from out of the jewel on the Burger Kings crown

  


'you thought you could keep me and countless other souls trapped in yor crystal'

  


'but you were wrong.'

hundreds of forgotten fast food resturants stream out

  


gone out of buisness becase of giant chains

  


they attack the Burger King

  


tearing into him as one might a burger

  


when he perishes, they turn their hungry eyes to wendy

  


a teer drips ot of her eye

  


'im not ready.'

“Lmao sure sis.”

  


“She’s not even that epic they all retreat out of KFC.”

“Wtf mom.” The kids scream

But Wendyy cannot hear them over all the political chats she’s having with the sweet and tender burgerr kong

  


OwO

  


"stfu kids i have too many of you to pay attention to any of u now drank ur dronks'

“The fantas flatter than the earf” billy cried

  


'nothing is flatter than the eatf u dmb shit

“Wanna fucking bet”

  


_he brings out a 10er_

  


wendy sniggers

  


she whips out a twenni

  


she then stands up

slips on a piece of salad

and promptly dies

  


  


  


the end

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So that concludes this story! I just want to thank everyone who has supported me through this project, (this is for you mum).  
It's been tough but I think it was worth it in the end. Thank you to everyone who has gone on this journey with me, I love you all, truly.


End file.
